Dementia Diaries: WARNING GRAPHIC -- My heart is breaking, the Methadone effects

07/08/2020

Today I walked into my mom's room and almost threw up.

The door was locked and I was joining her hospice nurse for our weekly, routine visit.

The had locked the doors because the Methadone was making my mom so constipated that she wasn't passing any bowel movements one-soever. Without being even more graphic, hospice had to take a more "hands on" approach to remove the "rock hard" blockage she wasn't passing.

That wasn't enough so they administered an enema and upped her laxatives.

That's not the only side effect. Her crazy rapid tongue movement has gone on several days now too. Hospice has no clue what it is (say they've never seen anyone do that on this medicine) but is going to ask around.

((Using my hands to avoid showing her diaper. But pic is to show extreme weight loss. Her legs look like sticks. Just... bones.))

Seeing her legs like this makes me physically sick to my stomach. Who IS this person?! This is not my mother. She looks like a skeleton. It's so, so hard to watch her go through this.

I recorded some of my feelings after I left her today. Yes I'm driving. No I'm not holding the phone. It's a terrible video. I have an awful double chin from this angle, but the emotion just flooded over me and as embarrassing as it is I think it's important to share how this impacts me as her daughter.

THIS IS IMPORTANT: After driving home I called one of my aunts. I cried more about how excruciatingly painful this is. I went and picked some raspberries. I took a walk with my dog. Often after visits with my mom I'll go for a run. Maybe I'll go walk the pier in Edmonds. Sometimes I bike or kayak. But I force myself to go do something I enjoy.

The point is your going to have plenty of these mind-numbing, agonizing, heart-wrenching, sick to your stomach moments and if there's ONE THING I've learned through all of this it's the importance of creating healthy coping mechanisms. Find an outlet. You have to make time to separate yourself and walk away. Otherwise this disease will destroy more than just your loved one.